GRE Blues part 2 and Malaria stings !
It's me .. again ! I can't believe the way last few days were gone by .. everyday threw a new nagging worry in my mind .. as if low scores in GRE were not helping enough !! .. .. It just keeps coming, one after the other ... I'm fed up of this !!! I want some peace ... I want something to hold onto ... something to look forward to ... right now there's nothing but a huge void in front of me that's sucking me into it every passing second ! I can feel that coz, the way all these thoughts linger in my brain all the time.... thoughts of what's gonna happen next ... thoughts about what should I do next .... thoughts of uncertainty .. insecurity .. of failure & disgust ! Lately, my top floor has been harbouring all this dirt and some more. It's a highly unwelcome feeling to possess .. ohh yeah !!
Everywhere I look .. I struggle to penetrate the dark ... it's there like an unbreachable fortress ... there's no light inward too .. as the light of optimism fades .. . I always believed that my beloved optimism will show me the way in any kind of situation, but today either my senses have gone totally numb that I can't think logically or optimism like a mirage has shown me it's reality - a void ! What is it ? ... i don't know ... and don't care enough to be meticulously dissecting the scennario right now. Whatever it is, I know it ain't helping me !
To add to my frustrations, there was a fit of Malaria that I suffered this whole week, making me weak even physically ! I had to forget about my TOEFL as I was on the brink of getting unconcious that day. It totally sucks ... and it is not fair !!! As I'm recovering from the disease now, I have ample time at my hands to ponder over even the most unrelated things and ramble on. But of course, because of the kind of person I am, I spent some time thinking about my future goals and plans and how I can bring them into reality. This time round I decided to be more 'Pragmatic' than 'Optimistic' and I know this will work for me, as it allows me to set short term, achievable goals that are within my reach ... gives me a more realistic chance of achieving my ultimate goal in the longer run ... and I know I will.
I had to take some majorly important decesions considering all my options, restraints, sources & of course, Ambitions. I've 90% decided that I'll stay back in India and complete my P.hD. here. 10% will be done after cosulting parents. Now, some may say that I chickened out, but I never bothered what others have to say about my decesions ; so even this time it'll be the same way. As much as I want to go to the U.S. of A, I should also be aware of some ground realities which ultimately favor my decesion. ... and therefore, I've decided to implement it. I'm aware that this could affect on my chances to grow further in the field .. but that's future I can't even think of now, so why bother about it ?
So, now GATE, UGC-CSIR NET are the new goals. I want to do well in both of them and secure my place into a premiere research institute in India to gain a P.hD. I'll do everything I can to get better off me to excel in these exams. The breeze of confidence creeps in that pumps in some horsepower into my heart !
I wonder sometimes (especially after going through this post) that am I becoming a self-sufficient or self-contained person who can get nervous and console himself the next moment without seeking anyone else's help ? I wonder ......
Wish me luck !
@mar.
Everywhere I look .. I struggle to penetrate the dark ... it's there like an unbreachable fortress ... there's no light inward too .. as the light of optimism fades .. . I always believed that my beloved optimism will show me the way in any kind of situation, but today either my senses have gone totally numb that I can't think logically or optimism like a mirage has shown me it's reality - a void ! What is it ? ... i don't know ... and don't care enough to be meticulously dissecting the scennario right now. Whatever it is, I know it ain't helping me !
To add to my frustrations, there was a fit of Malaria that I suffered this whole week, making me weak even physically ! I had to forget about my TOEFL as I was on the brink of getting unconcious that day. It totally sucks ... and it is not fair !!! As I'm recovering from the disease now, I have ample time at my hands to ponder over even the most unrelated things and ramble on. But of course, because of the kind of person I am, I spent some time thinking about my future goals and plans and how I can bring them into reality. This time round I decided to be more 'Pragmatic' than 'Optimistic' and I know this will work for me, as it allows me to set short term, achievable goals that are within my reach ... gives me a more realistic chance of achieving my ultimate goal in the longer run ... and I know I will.
I had to take some majorly important decesions considering all my options, restraints, sources & of course, Ambitions. I've 90% decided that I'll stay back in India and complete my P.hD. here. 10% will be done after cosulting parents. Now, some may say that I chickened out, but I never bothered what others have to say about my decesions ; so even this time it'll be the same way. As much as I want to go to the U.S. of A, I should also be aware of some ground realities which ultimately favor my decesion. ... and therefore, I've decided to implement it. I'm aware that this could affect on my chances to grow further in the field .. but that's future I can't even think of now, so why bother about it ?
So, now GATE, UGC-CSIR NET are the new goals. I want to do well in both of them and secure my place into a premiere research institute in India to gain a P.hD. I'll do everything I can to get better off me to excel in these exams. The breeze of confidence creeps in that pumps in some horsepower into my heart !
I wonder sometimes (especially after going through this post) that am I becoming a self-sufficient or self-contained person who can get nervous and console himself the next moment without seeking anyone else's help ? I wonder ......
Wish me luck !
@mar.
posted by Amar Ghaisas at
5:31 pm
